I had escaped abuse about a year ago. I was living in a tiny studio flat with my two children. I was working full-time and a single mother. The children were fighting a lot, and I was overstressed, alone and fearful. I was going through horrible legal proceedings. I was exhausted. I felt my whole body was bleeding pain. I sent a SMS to someone who I trusted because I was angry at my daughter for some stupid reason and needed an adult ear to ease the pain. Instead, this person made up her mind about my mothering skills. Since that day, I was the bad mother. Each time I have to talk to this person, she acts as if I was a danger to my own daughter, not taking care of her in the right way. It still affects me after all these years. I trusted this person. I loved her so much. I have never been able to get any appreciation in her eyes. I was a bad child and I am now a bad mother.
The pain is raw. The pain is here. I go back to bulimia and I cannot stop the tears. I love my daughter more than anything else. Why do I even need to say this? How come I feel I have to justify myself again? I have to learn to cut the cords which attach me to this person. She is not living with me. It is my decision to invite her into my mind or to leave her where she is, all judgmental and harsh. I was never enough for her. I have to accept it. And move on.