We are the same
My friend my sister, don’t you think you are below me in some ways because you are still trapped into an abusive relationship while I escaped one almost 10 years ago now.
Remember that I did not run away to protect myself but to avoid my baby boy getting hurt. I am not brave. I did what I could.
The day he turned one year old, I had baked a cake with one candle on it and my three-year-old daughter wore a nice dress for her brother’s big day. However, the father slammed the front door saying he would not attend the birthday of someone who “f***** up” his life from the day he was born. This is beyond experiencing pain. The feeling was like blood in my mouth and my whole body was crying.
Today I also still feel guilty even though I know it is not my fault for some trauma my son experienced a few years ago while I was working. I still feel pain so excruciating it feels like my body is gonna be cut in half. Because my son says that he is trying not to fall asleep so he does not get nightmares. He loves to stay awake so he can control his mind and thinks beautiful things.
You helped me
When I shared my vulnerability on IG stories, you sent me a heart. I know you. It was not a simple heart because we built a relationship over the internet, doing our best to keep you safe because you cannot escape for the moment.
Know that in this moment you gave me strength. The strength to look at my flaws and love me anyway. The strength to look at my puffy eyes and big belly because I eat too much when I am sad.
The parts of us which need light
We all have shadows to work on. For some of us, it is judgement of others. For me, it is the opening of the heart. My heart bleeds because some events happened and cut it sharply. However, my heart needed it because it was so closed.
I closed my heart when I was a child to avoid the pain of feeling lonely and broken. So light could not enter my heart anymore. This is why I was bulimic and this is why blood and tears were necessary to open it wide open. Ready to receive. Love. Abundance. Safety. Joy.
Miracles happen, small and big ones
If you are in a dark place like I was yesterday, unable to sleep and tossing around in my bed, know that life also heals you. I was so happy my neighbor drove my children to school this morning, because it was raining so much.
I am happy because my son is preparing a surprise birthday for one of his friend at school who brought little gifts from Saudi Arabia. I love how I can raise open-minded children who believe it is a value to speak to strangers.
I am relieved because I can eventually earn money to support my family after very long months of working for free. I started my website three years ago and I know I could not expect to make a living out of it right away. Teaching French on Preply saved me and gave me the strength to continue my work for you my friend my sister.
I am immensely grateful when someone buys my book. I want you to know that it is possible for you too. Always. In one way of another, you can make it happen my friend my sister.