I was invited for a first date. I had a gorgeous dress is powder pink. I even remember the café in the north of Paris, with a golden statue and magnificent stairs.
I thought I was so in love with this man, until he said to me: “I want you to be the mother of my children“. Ouch. A mother? Why not a wife first? A woman? Sensual and beautiful before being nurturing and soothing for children?
I never got the flame back for him. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I missed something. I do not think so at all anymore. Everything which is meant to be for me is drawn to me anyway, as the great @nataliethebeliever says on Instagram.
My mistake was to think I was not enough as a woman. My error was to think my value as a human being would be higher was I to be a mother.
A few years afterwards, it was so easy for the abuser to convince me that I would be a better person if I had children.
Today I have two amazing children and I don’t feel sorrow anymore about what happened.
However, I refuse to be a scruffy mother. I always wanted to be appreciated as a woman and still wish to experience this soon.
The crazy hectic life attached to my situation as a working mother raising her kids alone is trying to make me scruffy. The tiredness, the never-ending demands of the children…
Maybe this is why I was so touched when a neighbor gifted me clothes. I was a woman dressed in white clothes, in front of the big mirror of my bathroom. I sent photos to this woman. I was so grateful.
I know that by reclaiming my woman part, I can be a better mother as well to my children.
There are so many great videos about empaths (if you understand French I love Laura Zanella).
Not everybody is an empath of course.
If you too cannot understand why people deliberately choose to lie and cheat, welcome to the club! Let’s keep in a part of our head that yes some people will try to take advantage of us. It is our responsibility to be smart. And stay an empath because this is beautiful!
I love explaining the French words “chaleur humaine” to my students. It means this warm and safe feeling we experience when we are in the presence of loving people.
Since I am a child, I love nothing more than being in the presence of others, chatting, laughing, spending time together.
I am aware so many women suffer from loneliness. I would love to find a solution.
During the month of Ramadan, I saw old gentlemen gathering around the empty tables of some cafés. They would not eat nor drink before sunset, but they were together since morning, for the sake of being together.
At first sight, we may think a woman does not want children because she is not very found of them for instance. What if it was the opposite?
What if women would not want any more children because they love them so much?
What if women were tired of having their heart crushed because it is not humanly possible to be present for our kids while being a single working mother for instance?
I cannot tell you how relieved I am when I can at last breathe and I have only me to think of, no little person depending on me for a day or a few days, when my kids are at summer camp for instance.
However such a feeling is so very short-lived. Almost immediately comes the intense feeling of missing them, feeling guilty that I was not there when they needed me to look at them, listen to them, be present with them, because I was working.
This is weird. Single motherhood is either too much or too little, always a roller coaster of emotions.
In one of the books I am going to review for you on this channel, the author explains that the best way to deal with teenagers is not trying to control them. It is counterproductive and disrespectful to them. More on that soon and the French book is called L’adolescence autrement.
In regard to children of all ages, mine taught me to let go of control from an early age. I could not try to follow a to-do list in order or plan things in a rigid way. Sometimes I feel motherhood is like a hair bun on our head that is swiftly removed with all the hair floating around our head in one second. Do you get the image?
Motherhood helped me to reconnect to my feminine side, which is similar to water. It is allowing, graceful and adaptable. Never rigid. Never trying to force one’s way or control things.
Ever so light flower petals, gracefully flowing in the summer breeze. I remember the absolute joy and wonder I experienced watching this in the Galliera garden in Paris.
This is why I had this deja-vu feeling when the vibrant colors of purple, red and orange of bougainvillea fallen petals were scattered on the intense green of the lawn at my son’s school here in North Africa.
I could feel the sweet and sour taste of the present moment when you catch it just as it turns into a memory.
What remains is gratitude to be alive in this intense world, whatever the nostalgia can be when we touch the ephemeral nature of life experiences.