At the moment I am having bulimia episodes, which never happened in at least 10 years.
What is the matter? Well, I am in the process if looking at the feeling of suffering right in the eyes and it hurts.
I am aware that bulimia is only a coping strategy as alcohol is.
I try to discover why it hurts so much. That man who left me? Not even him.
He only pressed on an already open wound in me: the fear of being loved then left. This is exactly what happened.
It was my biggest fear and it happened.
I am still alive, I can get over it.
What is underneath that grief?
The guilt and the feeling of not deserving love nor happiness, of having been a bad child, of not being good enough in general.
Now I tell myself that it is a big step to look at pain in its eyes instead of totally numbing myself.
Each day I can choose differently.
As Teal Swan says in her video about alcoholism, I can feel the pain and choose to be open, welcoming, flexible, instead of getting tensed and in resistance
I can also choose to not be bulimic, to stop self-sabotage and stay open to beauty and to love (more about that in the review of the book The 40 rules of love – book is here).
Did you see the interview I made with Lena and Said owner of a fantastic raw restaurant? At some point, Said told me that all habits were bad.
He meant that eating once a day is a good thing but I should not stick to eating at the same time every day (noon) without listening to my body. Some days I may feel hungry before noon, or after.
It struck me because I am a big fan of discipline and good habits. However I do understand that the trap is trying to control things, which is an impossible endeavor.
So I stick to my routines and habits, like a morning routine of rebounding, meditation and yoga, then intermittent fasting. However I do not sweat the details too much. Some days I may do 5 minutes of yoga and other days 50 minutes.
And you my friend my sister, do you think all habits are bad?