I am not a perfect mother but I really do my best. Many times I am blown away by the intelligence and depth of my children insights. My son is known to be on the angry side by his teachers and rightfully so (stuff happened). However, as they say in the Four agreements, my job is to not take things personally. Even more so when my son said to me that all he is trying to do is to help me and please me. Indeed, behind his angry mask lies the most amazing pure love of a child.
I watched the amazing interview of Alexi Panos by Lisa Bilyeu “This Is How You Find Happiness After Sexual Assault | Alexi Panos on Women of Impact“. After experiencing rape, Alexi Panos shared that she pretended nothing happened. It was the only way to survive after such trauma. I can totally relate. I was the queen of playing pretend, of keeping a happy face even when I was dying inside.
The message for me was that it is of utmost importance to express our emotions, instead of keeping them trapped inside. One way to express my sadness is listening to music. I am highly sensitive to sound. I cry within minutes when I listen to a beautiful piano piece.
The pain I experienced made me sort of bullet proof to being laughed at, mocked, critized and so on. The pain felt like a wave of blood taking over my whole body. The only way out was to keep going, never give up, walk one foot in front of the other. This is how it made me stronger. Because I can still go forward even if I am freezing cold, even with tears running down my face or fingers pointed at me. I just do not care because it is sweeter than drowning in the ocean of blood than pain is to me.
I am so grateful to live in paradise.
I feel blessed.
As I am typing this, I can look at the window and take in the beauty of a big blue sky.
However something nasty crept in. Attachment. All of a sudden I got worried that I could lose this happiness.
Attachment to what I love made me unable to sleep at night and eventually unable to appreciate the present moment.
So I decided to work on letting go. I trust that the universe has good things in store for me, here or somewhere else.
I feel I am an addict at my core. However, I know we should not label ourselves because it becomes true.
I witness my addictive behavior even though bulimia is not part of my daily life anymore.
What remains is fear of lack, lack of money and lack of food.
I am aware than I still use food to meet emotional needs, even though I eat healthy raw food.
I live in paradise but I have moments of sadness.
I have to admit that I miss my friends in Paris.
Consequently, I choose to list all the advantages and shortcomings of living where I am.
The result? I love Tunisia from the bottom of my heart for a million reasons.
I am delighted to live in paradise. Being human and true also means experiencing some moments of sadness and nostalgia. Even in paradise my friend my sister.
Rather than stressing out when circumstances get overwhelming, I now choose to observe what is happening. Without judgement.
Had I known it before, it would have saved me from trying to commit suicide when I was 20 years old.
Moreover, there is a benevolent force far bigger than me, which is always protecting me. I rely on this. The unseen is is my anchor.