I have been cheated on by two men. For the first one, I was naive, 19 years old and I believed him when he said I was really crazy to imagine that. For the second, he was a lying with natural ease, using blame like a sword and abusing people for the sheer pleasure of it. Destroying me so I would slowly die was a goal of him. I left before that but honestly, I did not believe I had been cheated on from the first to the last day. The police officer who revealed this piece of information to me made me get an HIV test because I was so at risk, considering the extent of him cheating with so many people.
Today my mission is to bring hope to women who have been cheated on and who, beyond the pain of it, have risked their own life because of it as I did with mine.
I wrote about it in my book The Knot in the Spiral, I started to rebuild my life by leaving the abusive relationship/trap. The thing is, all these practices which bring more purity into our body and life, have a great secondary effect: they dramatically increase our intuition my friend my sister.
Now I can feel people. I smell them and I feel them! Whenever I feel ill-at-ease, I can use my brain and my rational sense, it will not change it. If I am ill-at-ease, for instance if a man pretends he is with a friendly friend while they sleep together, I feel it immediately. I know I can count on my intuition. I am not worried of being cheated on anymore.
My friend my sister, you can rebuild your life and your intuition so you do not live in the fear of being cheated on and welcome true love instead.
To tackle the issue of heartbreak is my duty because we must not underestimate the pain.
One of my friends had a breast cancer which I partly attribute to the hurt experienced by her after being left by the man with whom she was getting ready to have children.
Let’s talk about heartbreak my friend my sister, because time is really not enough to heal it. The 10 following tips have been personally tested by your humble servant during her last breakup. Dear God/Universe I would be delighted if it was the last because it hurts too much to bleed pain like that for weeks. Thank you in advance đ
1. Do not take things personally
You have been left for a reason which belongs to the man you were in love with.
The reason for which he left you could have been the reason another man would love you.
Do not question your self-worth because you are left by a man. It has nothing to do with that. More about that in the book The Four Agreements.
2. Stick to your morning routine
Even when I feel that the ground is disappearing from under my feet, I am saved by the structure of a morning routine almost set in stone for me: rebounding, meditation and yoga.
Whatever the length, do not put pressure on you my friend my sister. A morning routine goes from 15 minutes to a few hours. The key is to stick to it.
Moreover, moving your body will move your emotions too, so you can digest and free yourself from them.
Before I did not want to even look at my pain. I was burying all the grief and sadness under tons of food.
Today I look at my broken heart in the eyes. I can feel it bleed and cry. I thought I would be totally overcome by grief and crumble under it, but actually it did not happen. I feel tremendous pain but I am still alive. This is unexpected.
4. Love yourself as you loved him
Love yourself in the way you dreamed he would love you. For instance, I dreamed he would bring me the most delicious fresh fruits so I am doing it for me. I was seeing his face behind a bunch of flowers in my imagination so I will buy myself flowers on for the new flat.
See yourself as the object of love and attention. How would you love yourself with the same devotion you loved him?
I ask myself how I can use my friends or myself to fulfill the needs I had with him: talking about literature, being held in his arms, wearing dresses and heels, taking care of me…
5. Pretend you are in a relationship with a man you admire
For me the trick works with Jay Shetty. I feel very attracted to men like him (not him in particular) because he is smart, healthy and doesn’t take himself seriously.
I pretend he is living with me right now. What would I do in my daily life if he was my partner? How would I feel each minute of the day? This exercise is law of attraction married to an immediate feel-good sensation đ
However, the secret is to make the effort to count our blessings, to list all that is currently working well in our life.
7. Rejection is redirection and protection
My friend my sister, I know this is the hardest thing to hear but I promise each time I experienced it.
The end of a relationship feels like the worst pain ever, but it is part of a bigger plan.
We are protected from something which would have been detrimental to us. We could not see it yet, but in some way the relationship was not good for us.
From now on, I stop crying and over-thinking about what was and could have been. I look at the future not the past. I think about the man I will be with, the one who will be happy to build his life with me.
9. Love did exist
My friend my sister, even if the man we love/loved made love with another girl, I am convinced that it did not cancel the fact that love did exist at some point in the past.
Apart from toxic and abusive relationships, I am certain that love did exist at one moment in the past, even if it died afterwards.
Do not believe that he never loved you, that he made fun of you, that you are not good enough, that he is mean.
The fact that he does not love me today does not cancel the fact that at some point in the past he did love me. Therefore, love did exist and can exist again, with another man.
10. Save yourself
Even if you have opportunities, save yourself, to be crystal clear: no sex after a break-up to boost the ego.
It is like sugar. It is tempting but in the end it hurts more than it heals.
You are worth so much my friend my sister, do not waste that, do not lower your high standards.
Sexuality is sacred and, according to my humble opinion, shall be shared with a worthy man, in mutual respect and trust.
There are so many great videos about empaths (if you understand French I love Laura Zanella).
Not everybody is an empath of course.
If you too cannot understand why people deliberately choose to lie and cheat, welcome to the club! Let’s keep in a part of our head that yes some people will try to take advantage of us. It is our responsibility to be smart. And stay an empath because this is beautiful!
I love explaining the French words “chaleur humaine” to my students. It means this warm and safe feeling we experience when we are in the presence of loving people.
Since I am a child, I love nothing more than being in the presence of others, chatting, laughing, spending time together.
I am aware so many women suffer from loneliness. I would love to find a solution.
Ever so light flower petals, gracefully flowing in the summer breeze. I remember the absolute joy and wonder I experienced watching this in the Galliera garden in Paris.
This is why I had this deja-vu feeling when the vibrant colors of purple, red and orange of bougainvillea fallen petals were scattered on the intense green of the lawn at my son’s school here in North Africa.
I could feel the sweet and sour taste of the present moment when you catch it just as it turns into a memory.
What remains is gratitude to be alive in this intense world, whatever the nostalgia can be when we touch the ephemeral nature of life experiences.
I don’t find fasting difficult in itself because I don’t feel the hunger anymore. This the reward of a consistent fasting practice.
However, what is very deep is managing all these strong emotions which bubble up. It is as if I was purifying myself from old painful beliefs. They rise up so I can get rid of them.
I refuse to indulge in self-pity because I had an argument with someone I love. Words are sometimes not enough to communicate but I will always try to do my best to express myself. Yes it can be messy sometimes.
I used to be terrified of having a conflict with a loved one. Now I see it as a make or break situation. If the relationship breaks, it was not meant to be.
I want to be able to say the truth. I don’t want to repress myself in order to avoid conflict. I don’t want to hear the loudness of a silence full of resentment. I need clear communication, even if it means it is not perfect and involves crying and forgiving.
