Book review Heal Your Wounds and Find Your True Self by Lise Bourbeau

Book review The five wounds which prevent us from being ourselves by Lise Bourbeau

Lise Bourbeau is the author of an amazing book Heal Your Wounds and Find Your True Self: Finally A Book That Explains Why It’s So Hard Being Yourself. Here are my ten reasons to read it now my friend my sister!

1. What are the five wounds of the soul?

Book review The five wounds which prevent us from being ourselves by Lise Bourbeau

As a child, we encountered experiences which were so painful that the only way to carry on functioning as (almost) normal within our family was to wear a mask.

There is a soul wound underneath each mask.

Thus the mask of the avoider is hiding the wound of rejection, the one of the dependent the wound of abandonment, of the masochist the wound of humiliation, of the controlling the wound of betrayal and of the rigid the wound of injustice.

2. Which faults?

Book review The five wounds which prevent us from being ourselves by Lise Bourbeau

The goal is not to blame others for our wounds, but to do the inner work on ourselves.

Lise Bourbeau writes: “We reproach others everything that we do ourselves and we do not want to see” (all translations mine). We tend to attract people who show us what we do to others or to ourselves.

I am responsible to have attracted an abuser because I was abusing myself my friend my sister, hardly sleeping at night, not honoring my body’s needs, damaging it with bulimia and never following my intuition (so red flags could have been any other color, I was not paying attention to them anyway).

3. Of various degrees of responsibility

Book review The five wounds which prevent us from being ourselves by Lise Bourbeau

If you are an empath my friend my sister, you carry the emotions and fears of others on your shoulders. Moreover, you feel responsible for their happiness.

However, such deep empathy is definitely not healthy.

I have been able to rebuild my life once I understood that my responsibility was not to fix everything.

4. How to heal our wounds?

Book review The five wounds which prevent us from being ourselves by Lise Bourbeau

Lise Bourbeau writes in her book Heal your wounds and find your true self:

The first step to heal a wound is to acknowledge it and to ACCEPT it.

By becoming aware of them. Accepting the wound does not mean to agree that it is present within us.

Accepting means understanding that wearing a mask helped us to survive within our family and environment.

Byron Katie is also an expert in accepting what is happening to us. I reviewed her book I Need Your Love – Is That True? : How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead in the video Thank you Byron Katie #book review “I need your love – is that true?”.

5. Ignoring the wound is not the easy way out

Book review The five wounds which prevent us from being ourselves by Lise Bourbeau

Our ego tries to convince us that it is easier to ignore the wound.

But life keeps putting us in situations which trigger it worse each time.

We need to remember that us wearing a mask has to do with a lack of self love.

6. Which parent is involved?

Book review The five wounds which prevent us from being ourselves by Lise Bourbeau

Lise Bourbeau explains that:

[T]he parent with whom it seemed we got along the best with during our teenage years is the one with whom we have the most issues to deal with.

I was surprised to discover this but it made sense. I thought the parent I had most difficulties with was my narcissistic mother (who I love anyway) but the abandonment wound has to do with my father.

Lise Bourbeau explains how each wound is related to one of our parent in her great book Heal your wounds and find your true self.

If you are a woman, rejection comes from our mother while abandonment from our father.

Humiliation is generated by the mother for both sexes.

Betrayal has to do with our father while injustice with our mother.

7. No blame nor despair just moving forward

Book review The five wounds which prevent us from being ourselves by Lise Bourbeau

The general tone of Lise Bourbeau’s book is very informative and light at the same time.

I love how she teaches us about deep stuff, wounding of the soul, without turning dramatic ever.

Quite the opposite. There is some freedom and empowerment to be gained by that book.

We do not have to feel victims of our parents. They were also wounded and the author herself admits she wounded her children, not on purpose of course.

I feel like hugging my parents, accepting them as they are, not blaming them for the mistakes they made and really taking a lighter step in life, knowing that any wound can be healed with awareness and conscious choices.

Lise Bourbeau writes:

Acceptance is indeed the trigger to initiate healing.

8. What is unconditional love?

Book review The five wounds which prevent us from being ourselves by Lise Bourbeau

The author of the book Heal your wounds and find your true self invites us to unconditionally love our wound.

She teaches us that:

I remind you that unconditional love is to accept even if you do not agree and even if you do not understand the why of some situations”. and “True love is to experience being oneself”.

We can grow from our wounds. So empowering! For instance, I can learn that it is my job to never abandon myself anymore.

The person who suffers from rejection can learn to never put herself down while the one who suffers from injustice can work on not demanding too much of herself, not honoring her boundaries and drowning into stress.

9. Our reason to be on this Earth

Book review The five wounds which prevent us from being ourselves by Lise Bourbeau

Lise Bourbeau writes that our reason to be living this present life on Earth is to heal the very wound we suffer from. Our life purpose is to accept that we created a mask to protect us, but we do not need it anymore.

She writes:

To love and to accept a wound means to acknowledge it, to be aware that you came back on this earth to heal this kind of wound and to accept that your ego wanted to protect you by creating a mask.

Let’s give yourselves the right to be revolted against the pain we endured. But let’s not stay there. This is only a step.

The path involves compassion, forgiving and becoming ourselves again, in full authenticity and vulnerability.

Self-love is when we accept life experiences as teaching us what is beneficial and intelligent for us.

Self-love has healing power. Self-love brings energy to our life.

10. The positive side of our wounds

Book review The five wounds which prevent us from being ourselves by Lise Bourbeau

The book Heal your wounds and find your true self ends on a positive note by listing all the qualities attributed to each wound or personality.

Lise Bourbeau indeed writes:

By acknowledging the unique person that you are, you cannot help but represent an energizing inspiration source.

The avoider has a great capacity to work in autonomy, she things of every details and does not need others at all costs.

The dependent perseveres in their action, is naturally enthusiastic and able to feel how others are really feeling to help them.

The masochist is adventurous, knows her needs and honors them and makes people feel comfortable.

The controlling is reassuring, great at public speaking and able to multi-task easily.

The rigid is very precise in her work, can explain things clearly and therefore teach well and does not need others to feel good.

What is your mask or your wound my friend my sister? I had the abandonment and the humiliation wounds. Now I am healing them with self-love!

Book review The five wounds which prevent us from being ourselves by Lise Bourbeau

Book review The five wounds which prevent us from being ourselves by Lise Bourbeau

#Review of Boris Cyrulnik #book about #hope #resilience and the history of modern #psychiatry

#Review of Boris Cyrulnik #book about #hope #resilience and the history of modern #psychiatry

First as a disclaimer my friend my sister, I have to mention that you will love the book Les âmes blessées or the wounded souls if you are passionate about medicine. Personally, I have sometimes been a bit troubled by the description of some surgeries!

On a general level, this book is amazing for people who are interested in the history of psychiatry in France, in the psychiatrists who really marked their time and in the gradual discovery and use of antidepressants.

On that topic by the the way, Boris Cyrulnik writes that psychotropic drugs alleviate the pain but do not resolve the psychological issue underneath.

Here are ten key ideas or pearls of wisdom that I want to share with you from the book Les âmes blessées or the wounded souls by Boris Cyrulnik. Translations from French to English are mine. Boris Cyrulnik has written a book in English entitled Resilience.

1. How to fathom ultimate evil or how becoming psychiatrist helps to overcome it

Boris Cyrulnik was a child during Second World War and his family has been sent to concentration camps.

He has been witnessed to the worst of humankind. Moreover, he writes that it was so difficult to understand how some people are genuinely kind to you but can totally turned into the opposite the next day.

For instance, he recalls how some French policemen were friend with one family of the neighborhood. However, one day, the policemen came to arrest and deport their friend, the father of the family with which they spend dinners and evenings as friends.

Boris Cyrulnik became a psychiatrist to try to get his head around such deeply wounding events.

2. About not following the crowd and news ideas in science and elsewhere

If we start from the idea that “theoretical choices are influenced by (…) life experiences“, therefore, those who look for something already influence the result they are going to find. Doesn’t it remind you of quantum physics my friend my sister?

Thus, a big part of the book is dedicated to the scientific world and how researchers do not choose their subjects by chance. Boris Cyrulnik also recall how it was sometimes difficult for thinkers to share new ideas without being rejected.

The author of the book writes:

Woe to he who does not think like everybody else, he will be seen as an aggressor“.

Boris Cyrulnik, Les âmes blessées

For instance, the idea of all human beings are truly equals and therefore, children born outside of wedlock should not be ostracized, was not accepted easily. Also, incest was not recognized as a reality by professionals even during the 80s in France.

Reading this makes me aware of how far we have come when it comes to mentality.

3. What is “neuro-emotional vulnerability”?

#Review of Boris Cyrulnik #book about #hope #resilience and the history of modern #psychiatry

One key concept of the book is called “neuro-emotional vulnerability” which means that a child whose sense of safety has been hurt during childhood by an accident of life will have far more difficulties to overcome hardships when he is a teenager.

However:

A same event, traumatizing for one, will be for another a mere exciting adventure of life“.

Boris Cyrulnik, Les âmes blessées

Why? Because “A person who has been prematurely isolated, because of an accident of life, acquires a neuro-emotional vulnarability” which makes her prone to feeling abandoned when years later she suffers from isolation or aggression.

This is what is described by the author as the “surprising inequality of traumas“.

4. Why is excessive alertness an issue?

Alertness is a normal state of being which prepares the body to defend itself. However, if alertness is an almost constant state, it is tiring to the person and actually hinders how a child learns.

I link that to a high dosage of cortisol within the body when we are under stress. Today I really make a point at lowering my stress triggers and putting my body in a calmer state. Meditation is a great help my friend my sister.

5. Where we talk alchemy again

#Review of Boris Cyrulnik #book about #hope #resilience and the history of modern #psychiatry

Boris Cyrulnik writes:

Can the events we suffered mold our soul and orient our intellectual path towards the resolution of the issue to which our existence made us sensitive?

Boris Cyrulnik, Les âmes blessées

To me this is what alchemy is all about. The hurt we felt in the past can be turned into a magnificent transmission to help others who face similar challenges in their lives.

6. An acknowledgement of the progress made in terms of patriarchy

I was shocked my friend my sister when I read how Boris Cyrulnik recalls how pain was dealt with during childbirth right in the 20th century.

When techniques were introduced to lower the pain of mothers giving birth, some professional reacted vehemently arguing that a woman who does not suffer during childbirth cannot love her baby.

The author of the book writes:

For centuries, one theory stated that women were not bringing anything to the making of a baby. They were only carrying the baby that a man had planted into their belly“.

Boris Cyrulnik, Les âmes blessées

I know we still have progress to make to overcome patriarchy, but woman, do we come a long way!

7. Of the importance of the environment on the brain development

Boris Cyrulnik writes:

Neurosciences made photos proving that some newborns, prematurely isolated, have a frontal lobe which seems atrophied. The synapses development in that brain area has not been stimulated by the environment“.

Boris Cyrulnik, Les âmes blessées

That quote made me immediately think of a great book called Why Love Matters (How affection shapes a baby’s brain) by researcher Sue Gerhardt. Early interactions are crucial to brain development and cognitive functions.

Consequently, it is easy to imagine the developmental damage cause by affection deficiencies and the author of the book describes numerous examples of that.

8. What is Resilience?

Boris Cyrulnik coined the term and has even written a book about it translated in English: Resilience: How Your Inner Strength Can Set You Free from the Past:

Resilience is this decision to try to feel alive again despite what happened to us. The opposite? A large variety of post-traumatic syndromes.

Boris Cyrulnik writes:

“How is it possible that some children pull trough and become fulfilled adults, whereas in all logic, they should have been definitely crushed?

Boris Cyrulnik, Les âmes blessées

Such a revolutionary interrogation, supported by the research to which the author dedicated his career, is the best message of hope from Boris Cyrulnik.

9. Believing in another person more that she believes in herself

The best gift I received in my life was when some people chose to genuinely believe in me more than I believed in me. This is what helped me to overcome adversity and rebuild my life, instead of getting stuck in victim mode.

These angelic people who believe in us more than ourselves can be teachers or friends. Boris Cyrulnik recalls in his book how some adults came to express their immense gratitude to the psychiatrist Myriam David, who searched for a way to repair the connection damaged during childhood by not considering the teenager as “doomed, worrying and without a future“.

The author of the book The wounded souls reaches this surprising conclusion according to which:

Globally, a population of wounded children who are backed by a new support system evolves almost as well as a population of children well surrounded by their family, their neighborhood, their school and their culture“.

Boris Cyrulnik, Les âmes blessées

There is a great place in France where children and teenagers are being treated in such a respectful way. It is called “La Maison d’enfants Elie Wiesel“. By the way, I will donate to them.

10. Of the importance of art to recover from the wounds of our soul

I really beleve that you can write and rewrite your life my friend my sister.

Thus, the title of chapter 3 of the book is:

Your story is not your destiny

Boris Cyrulnik, Les âmes blessées

Enough said!

We can create our life anew, inasmuch as we make sure we are well surrounded and supported, by the environment and the people we allow in our inner circle.

Let’s remind ourselves my friend my sister that nothing is set for ever when it comes to the brain. Boris Cyrulnik writes that:

The clinical signs which were told to us at the university were not inherent to the subject. They were the result of a transaction between what the subject is and what is around him. Could we be without a world? Change the context, and you will change the expression of what you are.

Boris Cyrulnik, Les âmes blessées

Consequently, depression would not be expressed in the same manner according to the context in which a person is immersed. It is not inherent ot the person.

Moreover, genetics now proves that it is not an inexorable fate inasmuch as the environment modifies the expression of such hereditary code all the time.

Even better, the brain “flabbergasted by a trauma, can function again as soon as the person with a wounded soul is secured” explains Boris Cyrulnik in his book.

So, what is a better way than art to renew with vitality? Art like an outlet, art which transforms experiences and transforms us my friend my sister.

Boris Cyrulnik writes:

[A]rt changes the representation of the wounded soul. The subject is no longer prisoner of his traumatic past (…) He is not a thing carried away by the torrent of unhappiness (…) He becomes a subject again, an author“.

Boris Cyrulnik, Les âmes blessées

May we become author of our life my friend my sister.