I rebuilt my life. I was faced with my worst fears: being left alone, raising kids by myself, experiencing love then loosing it almost right away… I felt I grew up. Yet I have not yet experienced what it means to be in a relationship. So weird.
What’s the point of all of this if I cannot share happiness with a man? Like never once in my life? So what? Something is not logical here.
If I am honest with myself, I was afraid of being in a relationship. Today I find myself single but the fear of living with a man has gone.
The truth is: I cannot handle it and haven’t been to handle it for thirteen years.
I have always taken care of my babies then children alone, because I have heard a voice saying: “You chose to have kids, now take care of them, it is your problem not mine!“.
I love babies and children so much. I was so happy to have them.
Nevertheless, I feel I am really not the mother I wanted to be, present, full of attention and energy. So what? This is it? This is life? Something is missing, isn’t it? It is just a misunderstanding, isn’t it? I am going to wake up and tell my husband: “Honey I had a terrible nightmare, I was raising children all alone for thirteen years, can you believe it?”
I have to confess that I sometimes feel I did everything wrong in my life.
I went to the marriage of my best friend, I know him since we are fourteen years old. I saw friends from high school new persons, couples, families, and I felt like a failure, a single mother of two trying to build a new career by working from home to be present for her kids.
Sometimes I don’t know what I am anymore my friend my sister.
This too shall pass. You are not alone if you feel like a failure too.