We feel like we know ourselves so well because we have been friends for what seems like an eternity and it is so simple and natural when we are together.
I know people like that. Some people who are my friends since we are fourteen years old.
However, if I enter a romantic relationship with one of my friends, everything will be different and in a way, we need to start over, getting to know ourselves as if we were meeting for the first time.
Why am I telling you this my friend my sister? Because I feel I went too fast with some men I loved, assuming I already knew themselves anyway. I do regret it because it kind of accelerated the end of the relationship.
Because love is sometimes so complicated even though I love simplicity.
Because these men who abandoned me loved me nevertheless. I am only speaking about love here of course, not about the two abusive relationships I was trapped into as described in my book The Knot in the Spiral.
Because this is so much easier to be single rather than risking loving a man who could leave me.
Because when he said he loved me I laughed inside, not believing him. However it may have been the truth, even if he was incapable of making a space for me into his life.
Because if he left me because his father judged me not good enough for his son with my two children, he maybe tried to take my side.
Because the only way to overcome my fear is to experience a new relationship with all its uncertainty, even if I am moved to my core, even if realizing all of this makes me have bulimia again.
Because complexity is inherent to human relationships and maybe this is precisely what gives them this magical taste, this one in a million chance, this feeling of eternity married to the ephemeral nature of everything which is alive.
I realize why I fell in love with cold men, who for instance would not hold my hand in the street.
Because cold men are not showering you with compliments, they are not trying to make you do things you do not want by making you believe stupid things (for eg, that they love you when it’s not the case at all) and they have no desire to manipulate you.
So some of us feel safer with cold men. You can love cold men ; they are great and honest. But your love life can change if you feel you need more passion and heat. We can trust ourselves to have discernment my friend my sister. We can receive love in the form of tender warmth and sincere compliments.