I was so isolated. How could the relationship be light and playful?
We really need to surround ourselves with our friends while pursuing our passions my friend my sister.
It is a way of not being too needy towards our partner.
A man cannot be our friend, confident and shrink at the same time.
I am thinking about my exes, the men I loved, not the abusers of course.
I am grateful for my exes to have made me who I am today. They have been catalysts in my life, they made me grow and evolve.
My love for them does not mean that I talk to them nor see them.
I owe them so much. This beautiful vibe which is gratitude is enough to carry on living without trying to mix what belongs to the past to my present.
Technically I have three exes and two men I loved from afar without ever getting involved with them. Five loves. Always super short relationships, except one which lasted 13 years, on and off therefore quite short actually. I am confessing all of this to you so you feel less alone if this is the case for you as well my friend my sister.
I have never experienced a true relationship with a man and I never lived with someone else (except two violent persons).
Sometimes I feel like writing the name of the men I loved on tiny pieces of paper and place them on my desk. I see them as guardian angels now.
If I am honest with myself, they left me because they were not really available, physically or emotionally. It was not a lack of love.
So I choose to put aside my wounded ego and focus on love instead.
My exes protect me. It could be wishful thinking, but at the same time the world is full of very subtle and invisible yet very real things.
When I love it is for ever my friend my sister. I want to thank my exes while letting my heart completely available for an available and free man who will truly want to be with me.
I wanted to be as authentic as possible.
I did not want to use the disguise of seduction.
Because he loved me at my worst (physically), I was ready to give him my best and my all. As if the first period was like a test.
I never had the opportunity to give him my best side nor to be playfully seducing.
I do not know if this is the reason he left me but I feel it may have played a part.
I feel I have had this urge to belong since I am a child.
I dreamt of getting married one day just for the sake of belonging to the man I love.
However, something is bothering me here. If I am honest with myself, belonging also means that I want him to belong to me?
This is a no-no, a man is not an object and will never belong to me, however faithful and committed he is.
Also, I discovered that I was not the only one to have such expectations.
I loved hearing Elizabeth Gilbert with Chase Jarvis (“Elizabeth Gilbert: The Art of Being Yourself“) about writing all the crazy love sentences we wish someone would say to us, while knowing this is too much to ask from any human being.
It kind of takes the pressure away from an actual partner. No one can meet all my needs ever as Marisa Peer would say.
Lastly, I believe in equality in a relationship. My longing for belonging stops when a man treats me like his property.
Do you want to belong my friend my sister or are you already at peace with this feeling?
Like the character Jacques in the movie The big blue (https://amzn.to/2YlDuZy), when he puts his trainers on Enzo’ piano asking advice about women, I feel I need advice about men. Not from an outside source, but by analyzing what happened and following my intuition a bit more.
In the last videos published by the French clairvoyant Franck Lopvet (here and there), I was touched by the simplicity and the truth of the secret for a stable relationship.
The aim is simply to enjoy the presence of the other, fully, even if the relationship lasts only five minutes. If it lasts fifteen minutes more, then we can rejoice. Sharing a time together without thinking ahead is the magical secret of relationships.
Honestly I feel I am doing the exact opposite. Worrying.
But one of my students was explaining how she met her husband-to-be, not expecting anything from the relationship.
At the same time, I do not feel like entering a relationship without a minimum of commitment.
Moreover, in the amazing conference of Cristiane Northrup, she explains how the vagina actually has reflexology points. If the heart point is touched, to detach for the man concerned will be harder than to give up cocaine.
Also, I absolutely love men who have the bravery and the strength to make the first move. This is so masculine!
At the same time, I do not want to go back to an abuser who sees me as a prey.
Also, me not making any first move makes sometimes the men I love feel like I have no interest in them.
So I do not understand anything. But it will get better đ
Some people tell me off for going too fast too strongly. Are you also being put down for your intensity my friend my sister?
Maybe we don’t have wisdom nor patience?
This is possible but at the same time I was able to wait for a man for over one whole year, I am a real Capricorn, very serious and trustworthy.
Maybe we don’t have the maturity required my friend my sister?
This is possible but at the same time life is sweet and short, I wasted too much time already in the past so I want to life this beautiful life fully.
Leaving a country and coming back for instance, is it a failure? Or a magnificent adventure, a life experience which made me grow and something that makes my life richer and will help me forever in the future?
When he left me I was so disappointed. I was also angry because I had so many things to tell him that I was never able to say because it was so abrupt.
Then sadness and grief overwhelmed me. However I never felt one bit of hatred towards him. I loved him and still do. My love for him is simply going to morph into a nice memory so I can be totally available for a man who, contrary to him, wants to be with me.
All these mixed feelings post break-up are in sharp contrast to what I felt when the relationship with the perpetrator ended. Back then, I felt relief to be in a safe place at last. Then indifference towards him.
I am aware of the pain involved when a man we love left us my friend my sister. Nevertheless, sadness and anger are only the other side of love. Which proves that love did exist at some point in the past. And trust me, this is far better than the pain involved in an abusive relationship when love never once entered the picture.
I feel the absence of the man I loved so deeply, I miss him so much. But I loved him. I think he did too at some point. Love is what matters. I wouldn’t trade this kind of man and ex for anything else.
