In the second part of the French interview, Chantal Revault d’Allones and I talk about how we are already past the domination and competition world. We already entered the area of cooperation and collaboration between human beings, women and men together. We are truly interdependent. If you read French, enjoy “Patriarcat : fin de partie“.
In the first part of the French interview, Chantal Revault d’Allones and I talk about the way patriarchy or domination by men is a social construct through which humans have seen and thought the world for many centuries. Domination leads to violence, abuse and damage to the planet. If you read French, enjoy “Patriarcat : fin de partie” and the original interview that was done on YouTube in French.
The deadly weapon of narcissistic men and abusers of all kind is denial. They attack when we least expect it, they hurt and damage us. Then, when it is so hurtful we stand in stupor in front of them, they deny reality. Pure denial. What happened did not happen and affirming it has means we are crazy. The perpetrator with whom I lived also used a variation of denial which is minimization. If I had the courage to speak against his violent behavior, he would call me a hysterical woman. Once again and as always, my friend, my sister, may we trust our intuition.
The manipulator would sometimes spend dozens of minutes during the day to repeat: “Do you know I love you? You do believe me, don’t you? This is very important“. Today, I am a different person because I learned my lesson. However beautiful and convincing the words of a man, they are worthless if his actions do not match. Moreover, I expect a congruence between my own words and actions. It is a matter of integrity and authenticity. I do what I say and I say what I do. Lastly, such an effort is essential to the positive education I want to provide for my children. Acting in alignment with my words means I teach the good example to my children, while it fosters a trustful relationship between us.
I was recommended the book “Power and Control: Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers“, by Sandra Horley, when I was granted a place in a refuge with my children. I am following-up of my post “Why abused women do not leave?” with this brilliant book. Written by a woman who knows what she is talking about, it helps everyone to understand the complexity of domestic abuse.
In some countries, a note from the doctor listing the wounds is mandatory to file a complaint against an abuser. It is evolving. Hence, violence sometimes does not leave any marks. Does that mean, as a consequence, that emotional and/or psychological abuse and violence are less than physical violence? Not so sure. Quite the contrary, because the last one cannot occur without the first one. Moreover, some think that emotional abuse is worse because, on one hand, it does not show on the victim’s body and, on the one hand, it traps the woman into an invisible prison from which it is very difficult to leave, if an exit is even possible. Such a paradox is a reason for writing my book, which I am translating into English at the moment (November 2017). If you read French, it is already published. My aim is to demonstrate that violence, in any form, can kill.
It lies inside of us. It does not cost any money. However, it is the best tip to draw power from the inside and rebuild one’s life after abuse, when we feel our life is torn, damaged and shattered into pieces.