At the end of the toxic relationship I was in, the manipulator and I decided to consult a relationship counselor. The man rapidly figured out that I was trapped into an abusive relationship. We saw him a couple of times. He said something I shall never forgot: “The shame does not belong to you“. My friend, my sister, I know what it feels to feel dirty, repulsive and damaged by and because of the violence. Nevertheless, the shame does not belong to us. We did nothing shameful. We stayed far too long in a toxic relationship. Then, we had the courage to make the decision to leave. It was excruciatingly painful. It may have taken years to extract ourselves from the claws of abuse, yet we did it. May we be proud.
I am writing because I cannot keep what I learned for myself. It would be so dishonest. If one lesson I learned the hard way can spare you the pain of experiencing it, then all that pain would not have been felt for nothing.
When I gave birth, I was trapped in an abusive relationship. The father of my children stated later than he only made children with me so that it would prevent me to leave him. Consequently, he was not elated when I got pregnant, totally not involved during the pregnancy and he spent the time of labor at home in front of his computer. Yet I had a fulfilling and happy birth.
Moreover, I read many books by the well-known French doctor Michel Odent. It is interesting that, over the course of his work, he changed his mind about the presence of father during the actual birth. He concluded later in his career that giving birth was a sacred time which was best enjoyed between women only. Thus, the body of the woman could keep the same appeal to her man after birth. I find it quite interesting. I am convinced that it is true, even of a subconscious level. Maybe it is better for fathers to avoid seeing their woman in pain. Loving men do everything to avoid their woman being in pain by always looking for solutions. It is only natural, then, to prevent them from being disempowered witnesses to the unavoidable labor pain.
What do you think?