It took me years to understand what happened to me, accept it and turn it into something useful for others.
I knew it and felt it for a long time: my mother is a narcissist. In our world, it is very bad to criticize our own mother and I am constantly repeating that I do love her deeply. However, I understood that she was unable to love me and will never do because she is a narcissist.
After I escaped a very abusing relationship, I read many books about domestic violence and abuse. By studying narcissism, I rapidly and sadly discovered similarities between the man who abused me and my mother’s behavior. For instance, my mother is so much fulfilled when I am in pain or have troubles. She likes showering me with gifts at the most inappropriate moment, for e.g. right after a non-resolved conflict/discussion, or in an excessive manner to trigger guilt in me and make sure that from the outside she seems the generous person. One of the most troubling fact I had to acknowledge, after so many close people pointed it to me, is that she is jealous of me. She is envious and competes with me for the attention of my father for instance. In this point, she won a long time ago. I was told as a child that my mother was like a little girl, so it was better for me to swallow it up.
She is very gifted at playing the permanent victim. She cannot accept any criticism and will not hesitate to use suicide threats with those who dare not agree with her.
I stopped being a mother to my mother recently. I have women in my life who are around 60 years old and I consider them as mothers. It is very soothing for me to realize how much I love my daughter, how much I want her to be prettier than me, more intelligent, more successful and more everything.
It is essential for us, daughters of narcissistic mothers, to discover that there was nothing wrong with us in the first place. Our mothers tried to convince us we were faulty, so they could have control over us. The weaker a person think she is, the easier it is to control her.
- I stumbled across three amazing eye-openers videos with recovery advice for daughters of narcissistic mothers that I highly recommend:
- How Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers can Survive and Thrive – Terri Cole – RLR 2017 by Terri Cole
- When The Only Way To Be OK is to NOT Be OK – Teal Swan by Teal Swan
- 5 Ways Narcissistic Mothers Sabotage Their Daughters by Progress Through Process